Confessions … I haven’t been responding to all of my texts or emails. I’ve been drinking a lot more than I normally do. I’ve let myself completely unravel. I’ve taken up running. I’ve been writing a lot. I’ve felt everything and nothing – all at the same time; immense joy and immense sadness; love and heartbreak; deep happiness and debilitating fear. I’ve had panic attacks. I’ve spent plenty of hours curled up in tears on my bathroom floor, surrounded by snotty tissues. I’ve embraced my faith. I’ve alienated and questioned my faith. Without any notice at all, I stopped sending out my VIP List emails. I stopped making videos. I stopped blogging. I found comfort and abundance in the simplest act of being still, like nothing could ever be taken away from me because the richness of this moment is ever-present.
The last three months have been some of the most challenging of my life. Taking steps towards consciously creating the life of your dreams is far from easy. My motivation levels to sit down and get my work done have never been lower, which is highly unlike me, and through all of this change, I have given myself permission to allow my business to take a back seat.
I have been changing and evolving so much as a person, that the discovery of myself has become the most important thing on my plate. Sitting down to chase my business goals has seemed utterly irrelevant lately.
Taking a step back from your business can be scary. But to be honest, I experienced far more fear from the people around me than from myself. They wanted to know, after years of being so present online, how could I stop? Wasn’t I afraid that people would forget about me? That I would lose my momentum, and not be able to pick up from where I left off?
I understood their fears, but shockingly I carried none of them. Somehow I seem to have a deep knowing and understanding of what I’m currently going through. And all of it is necessary: the time off, the step back, the silence, the space – it has all been 100% necessary.
Three months ago I found myself in a position where I had nothing left to give, and no amount of hustle or force was ever going to get me to where I wanted to be.There’s a difference between laziness or letting fear hold you back, and being so drained and depleted that you literally have nothing left to give.
Ultimately, I knew that if I kept creating videos, if I kept sending emails, and if I kept showing up to give more and more of myself, it would be like selling watered-down gas at a gas station. I was running on empty, and I didn’t want to be fake. I was changing, and I didn’t want to hold on to an expired version of myself. Instead, I wanted to get to know the new version of myself so that when the time was right, I could start sharing authentically again.
Of course, I was sure to upkeep all of my existing responsibilities. The main commitment I have within my business is The Spark Lounge. It requires me to create four videos a month, which I place in the private Spark Lounge Library. But for the first time ever, I’ve been delivering exactly what is expected of me. Nothing more. Nothing less.
This has been scary, especially to the people around me who worry for my best interest. But I don’t feel threatened. Instead, I feel excited, expansive, and like I’m on the brink of butterflying.
If you think of a butterfly, do you think it regrets the time it spent transforming in its cocoon? Do you think it curses itself that it couldn’t have stayed a caterpillar forever? Or do you think it knows that the time in the cocoon was worth it, because it now gets to experience the joys of being a beautiful butterfly?
To me it’s crystal clear that my time away from my business has gifted me the space to transform and evolve. Although my previous way of being was wonderful, there’s something new brewing under the surface, and I’m excited to discover what it is. This time away has been my time for transformation. This “difficult time” has ultimately been for my greatest good.
If you’re going through a difficult time of your own, a time where you feel “stuck” and “out of sync”, be open to the fact that sometimes the best thing you can do is take it easy, catch your breath, and give yourself permission to slow down. A few steps backwards can sometimes do you a world of good, I promise.
Watch this space.