Maybe I AM afraid
diary of an artistic entrepreneur
April 2nd 2014 – 5:32pm
On my balcony in Tampa, Fl
First and foremost, I’ve always been an artist. It comes naturally to me to approach every situation in business, relationships, and life in general, from a creative standpoint. The question that constantly swims in my head is … “How can I do this differently? How can I do this creatively?” Approaching every situation as an artist makes life more interesting. And so I hold onto it. Artist within, I will never let you go.
As an entrepreneur, it leaves me in a pretty predicament.
I’m at a stage in my career where it’s up to me to define and create my lifestyle. Sasha* has done an excellent job of reminding me that one of the huge benefits we have as entrepreneurs is that we have the luxury of creating our own lifestyle to be exactly what we want it to be. And what a beautiful luxury, one I will never take for granted.
And so lately, the question at the top of my mind has been: what do I want my lifestyle to be? The words that immediately come to mind are freedom, balance, and adventure. I want to experience new things regularly. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to have a routine that’s strong enough to enrich my life, but flexible enough to allow space for my random whims of desire.
I have dreams that are so big and grand, but sometimes I find myself asking – is this what I REALLY want? Sitting at lunch today with Kristina**, I mentioned that lately I’ve been second guessing everything I’m doing. I mean … Do I really want to be the face of my business? Do I really want to keep putting myself out there in such a public, vulnerable way? What she said next literally stopped me in my tracks. “Are you afraid of success?” .. . . .. . . . . .. My initial reaction, without even thinking about it was … “uhhhhh NO!”. Because – helloooo … all I do is chase success. But then I thought about it more, allowing the question to really sink in. Maybe I AM afraid.
It’s funny how sometimes there’s fear living within you, holding you back, stopping you from moving forward in some way or another – all without you ever really noticing that it’s even there.
And so tonight, I will be sifting through deep fears and blocks that exist within me that are unknowingly holding me back, and doing everything I can to get rid of them. Which is perfect, because tonight I have a session with Michelle***, and she’s probably just the person I need to speak to.
*Every week I do a soul-care session with Sasha Stone, to empower myself to create an action plan for my daily life that encourages joy, freedom and balance.
**Kristina Houser is the incredibly talented photographer I’m working with on my upcoming new photos for the site + relaunch of TSOKI.
***Michelle Simmonds is an intuitive success coach who helps identify and remove inner blocks that are holding you back.