Maybe I AM afraid.


Maybe I AM afraid
diary of an artistic entrepreneur 
April 2nd 2014 – 5:32pm
On my balcony in Tampa, Fl


First and foremost, I’ve always been an artist. It comes naturally to me to approach every situation in business, relationships, and life in general, from a creative standpoint. The question that constantly swims in my head is … “How can I do this differently? How can I do this creatively?”  Approaching every situation as an artist makes life more interesting. And so I hold onto it. Artist within, I will never let you go.

As an entrepreneur, it leaves me in a pretty predicament.

I’m at a stage in my career where it’s up to me to define and create my lifestyle. Sasha* has done an excellent job of reminding me that one of the huge benefits we have as entrepreneurs is that we have the luxury of creating our own lifestyle to be exactly what we want it to be. And what a beautiful luxury, one I will never take for granted.

And so lately, the question at the top of my mind has been: what do I want my lifestyle to be? The words that immediately come to mind are freedom, balance, and adventure. I want to experience new things regularly. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to have a routine that’s strong enough to enrich my life, but flexible enough to allow space for my random whims of desire.

I have dreams that are so big and grand, but sometimes I find myself asking – is this what I REALLY want? Sitting at lunch today with Kristina**, I mentioned that lately I’ve been second guessing everything I’m doing. I mean … Do I really want to be the face of my business? Do I really want to keep putting myself out there in such a public, vulnerable way? What she said next literally stopped me in my tracks. “Are you afraid of success?”  .. . .  .. . . . . .. My initial reaction, without even thinking about it was … “uhhhhh NO!”. Because – helloooo … all I do is chase success. But then I thought about it more, allowing the question to really sink in. Maybe I AM afraid. 

It’s funny how sometimes there’s fear living within you, holding you back, stopping you from moving forward in some way or another – all without you ever really noticing that it’s even there.

And so tonight, I will be sifting through deep fears and blocks that exist within me that are unknowingly holding me back, and doing everything I can to get rid of them. Which is perfect, because tonight I have a session with Michelle***, and she’s probably just the person I need to speak to.


*Every week I do a soul-care session with Sasha Stone, to empower myself to create an action plan for my daily life that encourages joy, freedom and balance. 
**Kristina Houser is the incredibly talented photographer I’m working with on my upcoming new photos for the site + relaunch of TSOKI.  
***Michelle Simmonds is an intuitive success coach who helps identify and remove inner blocks that are holding you back. 


15 thoughts on “Maybe I AM afraid.”

  1. Fear can be such a bummer at times!

    In a webinar by Julia Kelleher, she called this demon on our shoulder- the one that makes us doubt ourselves and causes anxiety- George. It was my biggest takeaway from her CreativeLive course, actually. KICK GEORGE OUT! EVICT HIM! I remind myself of this every time I’m in fear, feel anxious, or second guess my ability and talent. It actually makes me laugh a little to say, “screw George today! I can do this!”

    I think the first step is recognizing your fears. Once you’re aware of them, you can rid them from yourself and move forward. Fear can be an empowering gift if we use it right!

    I wish you well and can’t wait to see what you do next! You’ve got this!
    {and if it helps- the song that always pumps me up in these times is The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up”}
    <3 -SC

    1. Hey Sarah! 🙂 Thanks for the awesome comment. The scary thing for me is that I couldn’t even acknowledge that it was there —- but you’re totally right because now I feel SO EMPOWERED. I discovered yesterday that there was a belief I had engrained within me that was completely untrue, and holding me back. It’s the craziest realization, so empowering, and it’s all thanks to my session with the amazing Michelle Simmonds. All day I’ve been a bit stunned as to how a false belief I picked up in childhood has been holding me back! It’s amazing to have discovered it now, and you’re right – it feels like a gift because I can now move forward. It’s very exciting 🙂

  2. I am fearful too… I have been trying to recognize what some times keeps me from moving forward. I know that getting distracted with things around me is not who I am. I am very determined at times and I have proven that to myself in numerous situations. It’s actually my fearful side that makes me distracted and that to stop me from going forward. I can feel it when I stop doing something that I need to do… I feel my fearful presence around me and I try to stop it. Sometimes I am successful, but some I lose the battle. I want to win more often and I have been trying hard to do that.

    1. Hey Alessandra,

      There is definitely a reason, maybe an old belief you may be carrying around with you that’s holding you back. Get to the bottom of it, it’s so empowering + exciting when you do 🙂 Just ask yourself: what would more success mean, and why is that a bad thing? what’s stopping you from moving forward? OR just do it the easy way and book a session with Michelle Simmonds! 🙂 Either way, you’ve got this, I believe in you girl!


  3. Alex- thank you for the vulnerable post. I enjoy all your advice and enthusiasm– and gettin’ real. After years of success working for others in research/teaching and coordinator roles– just dabbling in Freelance work part-time, I yearned to do what I LOVE full-time. Now that a series of events kicked me out of the corporate research/program development world recently, I have a chance to grow my recently enhanced freelance work forward (in Wellness/Corrective exercise/Kinesiology specialty workshops/classes). In fact – with the financial pressure of “no option for failure”….. I am fearing success maybe. To avoid fear of failure (a past/published clinical research topic;) we must embrace the vision of success. Not sure I’m doing it as I get mired in to-do lists and visions that are too small…. and fear of “me” being the product? Anyway – thought provoking stuff – especially coming from you… thank you for discussing!!

    1. YES @dianemarra:disqus ! It’s funny you mention the vision of success, that’s something that’s been hot on my mind recently, and definitely going to be a future blog post. I had the same fear of “me” being the product. Read my recent post, maybe it will inspire you to identify what’s holding YOU back! With love and hugs xoxo

  4. Kristen@fit2feelbetter

    I love this honest post Alex. I’m so glad you are finding the help that you need to get through this time. You are doing incredible work for so many. Please know that!
    Recently I’ve found out about a specific form of therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It basically helps you find that negative belief and turn it around. I’m not doing it myself as of now, but I know several people that are. I know for me, one (I know I have more) negative belief I have from childhood is from a specific incident. Shortly after my Dad left us, my Mom asked my sister and I to help pay the bills. I was happy to. It made me feel like I was helping. Now, in my life, I still feel like I should be making money in some way. Even though we are fine with my husband’s job, I feel like I’m not a person if I’m not making some kind of money. It’s a crazy negative belief that has cause me to take on so many “little” jobs that aren’t necessarily my passion. I’m on track to now do something that gives me JOY and I’m ok if I don’t make money with it. It’s kind of freeing.
    Also, it’s really hard for me to just “punch fear in the face”. I’m the one that is screaming, “yes, but HOW?” One way that has helped me in specific situations that I’m scared is to think about three things: 1. Am I worried I might lose something, 2. The process might be too hard or 3. The outcome might not be as planned. I learned this from Brendan Burchard in his video titled How to Overcome Fear. It has helped me take the negative “what if’s” out of many situations and turn them in to “it will be so cool when”. Does that make sense? Blessings to you!

    1. I LOVE that, @kristenfit2feelbetter:disqus! Turn the negative “what if’s” into positive “it will be so cool when” … wow! Great insight, thank you! Another thing Michelle Simmonds did with me was EFT – it was surprisingly brilliant. I didn’t know what to expect and I was very pleasantly surprised. For real – you should try a session with her to remove those blocks from your childhood, you won’t regret it! At least you have been able to acknowledge what your block is and why it exists – I had never done this before and it was a huge “a-ha” moment for me!

      1. Kristen@fit2feelbetter

        I’m looking into it some sessions soon. I know I have more than one “block” and I intend to break through them!

  5. I am very impressed with what an honest discovery you just made. i have to look at myself now and wonder what kind of fears are holding me back? i mean, i know I have a lot, but I’m just not entirely clear on what they are. How awesome you have such a great support system to help you work through these things, Alex.

    1. Hey @marianney5:disqus! Thanks for the comment, this experience has been so eye-opening and has made me evaluate everything I’m doing in life in a totally different way. There are things I hold back from and lean away from “for no particular reason”, that I’m now aware are for very particular reasons and old beliefs from past experiences. I’ts very interesting! Big hugs xoxo

    1. Vicky Lyashenko

      It’s SOOO sweet to see you here @nikkielledgebrown:disqus!!! Alex introduced me to you and I am in love with your spirit and your work! <3

  6. Hey Alex. The major reason I keep coming to your blog, watching your videos, following your social media presence is because unlike many others out there your brand is “YOU”. People like and want Alex Beadon. Your brand is the way it is because you are the face of it. People will sign up to TSOKI (including me eventually) is because it’s “real”. It’s your face with out all the fancy studio green screen. Keep if all coming Alex. Have an awesome week!

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